Day 566

I am at a complete loss. I feel like a complete failure as a mom. I have worked so hard to honour my priorities. God, husband, children, family, friends, work…. Why has that not been enough?

Okay maybe I am having a bit of a pity party. I know so many cliche answers but I just want to wallow for a minute. When your child makes decisions that are so opposite to what you have taught them. Knowing they are completely vulnerable to social media, how do you back away from what you have allowed in your home?

God made me their mama! Maybe it is time to stop questioning my instincts?

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Day 173

Wow!

It has been over 2 years since I posted on this ‘blog’ forum. I had such lofty intentions with this blog but alas I did not stick with it… I have certainly been choosing joy and living life fuller. For me ‘living life fuller’ included the decision to pursue weight loss surgery aka WLS. Thanks to the support of the Guelph Bariatric Program I had Gastric Bypass surgery March 3rd, 2016.

You may ask what made me come to that decision.. I am sitting here on day 173 post op reflecting on that very thought. The first big nudge towards that decision was stepping on the scale after a long season of denial and seeing the number 296. That’s right I weighed almost 300lbs. Another nudge, I was looking at the reality of my fast approaching 40th birthday. I had so many dreams and goals that I was not reaching because I was too busy trying to ‘hide’. I was hiding my fears, my dissatisfaction with my size, my limitations and my obesity related health issues.

Here I am. I am 5 months post op. I have lost just over 100lbs in the last 10 months.

I can tap into more energy than I can ever remember having in my adult life. I am posting a picture knowing my make up is left over from yesterday and my hair is well kinda starting to grow back. I am putting this blog up knowing there may be more questions that you may have. I will try to follow up with more details and stats but for now I just wanted to type some words. This truth about my journey is now out there.

Hoping it isn’t another 2 years till I type again…

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Oops…. Day 81

Apparently I have been slacking in the last three weeks.
My excuse is that I have been seriously busy. A great busy. A fun busy… but busy nonetheless. Confessing that is kind of an eye opener. If I have been so busy I can not write down my thoughts. I am too busy.

Again I find myself going through my days, fumbling through stuff and really not sure if what I am filling them with lines up with my innermost goals and purposes. I want to be healthy and I am weighing in for the third time in a few days and I am sick about it. I have not been monitoring myself as closely as I would have liked to. Oh dear.

In 2 months I lost 30.5 pounds and more than 2 dozen inches. I had higher hopes but when I envision sacks of potatoes I am so totally thrilled. I am also thrilled that I am playing baseball after over a decade. Oh my goodness! I had forgotten how fun it is to be part of a team. It really is inspiring and motivating.

I was in a Real Woman fashion show. Yep. All 250 pounds of me. It was SO fun. I was able to get over my stage fright and ‘other’ non-helpful mind sets. It is exciting to know that there is a huge life out there for me to live. I have been following someone on Facebook who has followed a similar health plan to mine. She just did a road trip up and down the US west coast. That is such a dream to me. As I continue to live, really live, the more my dreams awaken. And those dreams no longer seem foolish or unreasonable. I will attain them. I will continue to dream!

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Day 60

I wish I could wave my magic wand and get instant results.
Yup. I said it!
I am impatient. I want the results of this journey immediately. Yes I know I have been travelling the opposite way for a long time. Yes I know that means I have a lot of road to make up.

But I need you to know that I have been travelling the other direction thinking that my destination was long term health. I was so fooled.

I tried every diet you can imagine. You know what that cost me? My body has more fat cells than I have been willing to realize. I put my metabolism to sleep. I have also not been able to verbalize my fear of what the damage has done to my heart and other critical organs. I struggle to hear my own voice. You know the voice that clearly communicates what you really want in life, what you enjoy (not what you want others to think you enjoy so that they will think you are cool), what your dreams are…

This week my goal is to identify my priorities. What am I doing that I want to do and what am I doing that I feel I should do to please the people around me. Ultimately the only thing that I have to do in life, eventually, hopefully a long long way off, is die. Until then what am I giving my life away to? My main priority is to bring my body back to life and health. I am choosing to feed my body what it needs and not all the stuff my tastebuds want. How am I lining the other areas up behind this goal?

I started to play baseball in grade school. I played until I moved to Kitchener-Waterloo almost 12 years ago. I have not had time or the opportunity to play baseball. Last year an opportunity to play arose, but I could not imagine playing in the state of disrepair my body was in. This year I have committed to play. 1. I am terrified of making a fool of myself. 2. I am slightly concerned that I may injure myself. 3. I wonder if I will even fit in the uniform. Eek! The point I am trying to make…baseball is something I want to do, not something I feel obligated to do under the pressure of someone else. In the next several weeks I am going to be saying ‘no’ a lot!

Wish me luck.

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Day 48

Name it.
Talk about it.
Own your story.
Tell the story.

Brené Brown

When I think about life at my age I see myself with a little more grace. There was a day when I could only see the shame that resulted from my inability to attain the ideal me that I envisioned. Man was I hard on myself. What did that do for me? Sent me to orange juice and honey on lots of buttered toast or melted peanut butter over Oreo ice cream or French fries… Head first into deeper depths of obesity.
I am at a different place. I can freely say I am 29…. JK! I am thirty six. I will always have a curvy body. (The failure and inability to reach a size 2 has crippled me in the past.) My extra chin may always be there. This new place will live life more abundantly. I am jumping on the trampoline with my girls. Boy is it fun to send them flying. LOL. I am walking with my sibs and parents. I am a participant in life. Wanna know what this place of grace does for me? It pushes me to invest in the relationships that are the most important to me. And that is going to be an amazing story!

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Day 38

I am so blessed!

There is something about this process that is all together empowering.

For one thing I am really ready for this transformation process. I have told myself that I am ready other times in hopes that I could somehow be persuaded to believe it. This time it is whispering this message to me. I am on Day 38. Really just a drop in the bucket when you take into account how long this process will likely be. (Honestly I am thinking this will be lifelong in some form.) But I have been in for 38 days! I have enjoyed this process. I have loved the way that my body is feeling. Anytime that someone asks me how it is going I feel like I erupt into a rant about how alive I feel. I can breathe. I FEEL like doing things. I randomly clean and tidy. I am asking my girls to do things for me far less frequently. (Don’t get me wrong I still take advantage of their helpfulness a LOT.) I have not wanted to quit once.

I am at a place where I can see my support system and I can ignore the sceptics. No really. This is a big deal. I don’t even hear them… let alone try to argue with their ignorance. I am so excited to have a father who cares about my program and progress. He checks in frequently asking about how I am feeling and tells me he is proud of me encourages me. My husband blessed my socks off a couple days ago. I received a text that says and I quote “I’m proud of what you are doing with your goals.” You have to understand that there is a cost to this program that stretches our family budget and he sends a message that totally edifies my heart. I am so blessed to have this man in my life. It takes someone special to deal with my issues. My mom, my sister, my girlfriends, my daughters. I am so abundantly blessed. On top of being a support and encouragement they drive my desire to truly LIVE.

I mentioned what I believe are the top two success factors for me.
1. I have decided that I am ready… really ready
2. I have a support system. I can focus on them and not on the things I am missing or steps taken that have not been perfect.

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Day 31

So I weighed and measured on the weekend!

A bit of a mentally and emotionally exhausting ordeal. I know I am on a great plan. I know I have done the best I can. I have also learned that I can improve some things. I have released 17.4 pounds and 14.25 inches.

Honestly, I had higher expectations. Then I came across 2 bits of information that helped me to frame my mind a little better.

1. Healthy weight loss is 2lbs a week. I have doubled that in a healthy way.
2. A friend mentioned that she was at the grocery with her husband. He tossed her a 10 pound bag of potatoes. Instantly I visualized that. Hmmm. In one month, I have lost almost two of those bags of potatoes. Wow! Now I am excited!

I sometimes get a little stuck. I want my goal weight so bad and it feels like I may never get there. There is contradicting information flying at me from all directions. It is easy to lose sight of how each step is a step in the right direction. Focusing on my goal exclusively will not help my overall mental health. I need to use these weighing and measuring moments to really celebrate this journey. This is an adventure. I want to enjoy my life now, not just when I reach my destination.

My goal for the next month is to include more snacking. Yup I said that. LOL. If I don’t eat enough (which seems really ridiculous cause it feels like eating is what got me here) my body will think I am in starvation mode (Yup seems laughable) and store everything I consume.

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